Tag Archives: Capricorn

Zodiacs”R”Us

21 Jul

Horoscopes. Such an important insight to get to know very deep things about someone you just met. Here’s what I learned (and what you will from now on) from analyzing people and their star signs so far – If you get offended reading this, you’re probably a Taurus, or Britney Spears (we’ll get to that later).

Virgos. I know their motto is benevolence, but they’re downright selfish motherfuckers. They may seem like good, obedient listeners but they will somehow rebel against your advice in the most passive aggressive ways. Dudes, no one asked you to be a submissive bitch in the first place.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-virgo

Geminis. A Gemini will always find a way to be annoying/obnoxious. They’re always “too” something i.e too cute, too witty(me), too jumpy, too sociable or too introverted – You get the gist. Oh and calling them versatile is the politically correct term for hypocrite.No point trying to understand geminis, there isn’t much to understand.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-gemini

Sagittarius: If in a relationship they will cheat, because yes, Sags are hunters (as excuses go, that’s a pretty valid one). They invented bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Ask Britney Spears if you don’t believe me. But hey, the smartest people are crazy (no, not you Brit Brit ❤ )

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Pisces: They’re as stable as water (get it?) and so they will end up drowning themselves and perhaps drowning you with them. They’re not really ‘dreamers’, they’re just like everyone else, but it takes them longer to figure it out.

Leos: They’re the kings of the jungle. Except we’re not in a jungle you aggressive, attention seeking little fucks. No but seriously, I love Leos.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-leo

Capricorn: Capricorns are very serious-minded, which is ironic as no one takes them seriously. Ambitious (which translates into fame/money-hungry opportunists) , they also  show no emotion as they prefer to “look” strong. Oh and If you over-rate yourself, you’re a Capricorn (at heart). THEY CAN’T SIT WITH US!

I don’t know much about Libra men, but I can tell you their women are man-stealers. Hide your fiancés ladies, those girls are out to get them. The libra chick has nothing “balanced” about her except maybe her boobs.

Scorpios: Born with a grudge, they are only qualified at hurting themselves; that is Scorpio’s ultimate curse. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. They are big babies with adult fetishes.

Taurus: Arguably the most annoying sign in the galaxy, a True Taurus has at least been in a fight at Taco Bell once. He or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. The Lebanese girl in Mean Girls was probably a Taurus.

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Cancer: They often feel persecuted. Like you’re out to get them or something. They are misunderstood; they’re not erratic, back-stabbing creatures, they’re just very weary. Cancereans end up getting screwed by everyone and they like it.

Aquarius: Aquarians didn’t exist in my world until a friend illuminated me that they are earth/human loving hippies. And now I know an Aquarian when I see one, complete with hobo skirts, a farmer’s tan and bad teeth. You know, just like rock stars or the 60’s.

And Finally Aries, Who I know nothing about – But am sure, are just as annoying as Taurus.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-aries

Namaste everybody,

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