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Zodiacs”R”Us

21 Jul

Horoscopes. Such an important insight to get to know very deep things about someone you just met. Here’s what I learned (and what you will from now on) from analyzing people and their star signs so far – If you get offended reading this, you’re probably a Taurus, or Britney Spears (we’ll get to that later).

Virgos. I know their motto is benevolence, but they’re downright selfish motherfuckers. They may seem like good, obedient listeners but they will somehow rebel against your advice in the most passive aggressive ways. Dudes, no one asked you to be a submissive bitch in the first place.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-virgo

Geminis. A Gemini will always find a way to be annoying/obnoxious. They’re always “too” something i.e too cute, too witty(me), too jumpy, too sociable or too introverted – You get the gist. Oh and calling them versatile is the politically correct term for hypocrite.No point trying to understand geminis, there isn’t much to understand.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-gemini

Sagittarius: If in a relationship they will cheat, because yes, Sags are hunters (as excuses go, that’s a pretty valid one). They invented bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Ask Britney Spears if you don’t believe me. But hey, the smartest people are crazy (no, not you Brit Brit ❤ )

britney-spears

Pisces: They’re as stable as water (get it?) and so they will end up drowning themselves and perhaps drowning you with them. They’re not really ‘dreamers’, they’re just like everyone else, but it takes them longer to figure it out.

Leos: They’re the kings of the jungle. Except we’re not in a jungle you aggressive, attention seeking little fucks. No but seriously, I love Leos.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-leo

Capricorn: Capricorns are very serious-minded, which is ironic as no one takes them seriously. Ambitious (which translates into fame/money-hungry opportunists) , they also  show no emotion as they prefer to “look” strong. Oh and If you over-rate yourself, you’re a Capricorn (at heart). THEY CAN’T SIT WITH US!

I don’t know much about Libra men, but I can tell you their women are man-stealers. Hide your fiancés ladies, those girls are out to get them. The libra chick has nothing “balanced” about her except maybe her boobs.

Scorpios: Born with a grudge, they are only qualified at hurting themselves; that is Scorpio’s ultimate curse. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. They are big babies with adult fetishes.

Taurus: Arguably the most annoying sign in the galaxy, a True Taurus has at least been in a fight at Taco Bell once. He or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. The Lebanese girl in Mean Girls was probably a Taurus.

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Cancer: They often feel persecuted. Like you’re out to get them or something. They are misunderstood; they’re not erratic, back-stabbing creatures, they’re just very weary. Cancereans end up getting screwed by everyone and they like it.

Aquarius: Aquarians didn’t exist in my world until a friend illuminated me that they are earth/human loving hippies. And now I know an Aquarian when I see one, complete with hobo skirts, a farmer’s tan and bad teeth. You know, just like rock stars or the 60’s.

And Finally Aries, Who I know nothing about – But am sure, are just as annoying as Taurus.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-aries

Namaste everybody,

X

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A Social Media Love Affair

10 Mar

Or a love/hate relationship to be more accurate.

You see, I can’t quite decide whether I really like and embrace Social Media or whether I want to completely banish all SM applications from my life and go back to a simpler life.

As I have been busy designing “the Social Media Awards Beirut”, I got inspired to write a small ‘contemporary poem’ (?).

The-Social-Media-Awards-Design

Poke me

Write on my wall

Confide in me, tell me how you feel

O-v-e-r-s-h-a-r-e the details

Fill my newsfeed with your presence

kylie-confide-in-me

I have let my Firewall down for you

And my browser saved all your Cookies

To get you in my reach

So that you’re almost real

Follow me back, won’t you

I meant it when I “liked” that photo of yours

You look so beautiful on those Instagram shots

Your artsy views on things got me fantasizing

And your Pinterest Boards merge perfectly with mine

Lust

I saw you were downtown on Foursquare

I hope you don’t mind that I planned a trip there too

So I can see you from afar

Wearing that DIY bracelet you “Stumbled Upon”

You look even better than On-screen

In that familiar outfit,

And those shoes you just got yesterday.

You’re like a YouTube video coming to life

And I can’t but stand there

Wondering how real you are,

Holding a pack of your favorite candy

As I see someone step into the photo with you.

He holds your hand, smiling and romantic

Just like that photo you blogged on tumblr last night.

e97495d1770fbf61aafbd002bda4cda7

It all happened so suddenly, I’m puzzled.

I thought that status you wrote was meant for me

And our long chats meant something.

You cheated but you will never know

I killed you but it will never show

Because you’re made of pixels

And honey pixels can’t grow.

😦

BITCH

*Photos from “Vulgar Chic” on Pinterest.