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Zodiacs”R”Us

21 Jul

Horoscopes. Such an important insight to get to know very deep things about someone you just met. Here’s what I learned (and what you will from now on) from analyzing people and their star signs so far – If you get offended reading this, you’re probably a Taurus, or Britney Spears (we’ll get to that later).

Virgos. I know their motto is benevolence, but they’re downright selfish motherfuckers. They may seem like good, obedient listeners but they will somehow rebel against your advice in the most passive aggressive ways. Dudes, no one asked you to be a submissive bitch in the first place.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-virgo

Geminis. A Gemini will always find a way to be annoying/obnoxious. They’re always “too” something i.e too cute, too witty(me), too jumpy, too sociable or too introverted – You get the gist. Oh and calling them versatile is the politically correct term for hypocrite.No point trying to understand geminis, there isn’t much to understand.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-gemini

Sagittarius: If in a relationship they will cheat, because yes, Sags are hunters (as excuses go, that’s a pretty valid one). They invented bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Ask Britney Spears if you don’t believe me. But hey, the smartest people are crazy (no, not you Brit Brit ❤ )

britney-spears

Pisces: They’re as stable as water (get it?) and so they will end up drowning themselves and perhaps drowning you with them. They’re not really ‘dreamers’, they’re just like everyone else, but it takes them longer to figure it out.

Leos: They’re the kings of the jungle. Except we’re not in a jungle you aggressive, attention seeking little fucks. No but seriously, I love Leos.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-leo

Capricorn: Capricorns are very serious-minded, which is ironic as no one takes them seriously. Ambitious (which translates into fame/money-hungry opportunists) , they also  show no emotion as they prefer to “look” strong. Oh and If you over-rate yourself, you’re a Capricorn (at heart). THEY CAN’T SIT WITH US!

I don’t know much about Libra men, but I can tell you their women are man-stealers. Hide your fiancés ladies, those girls are out to get them. The libra chick has nothing “balanced” about her except maybe her boobs.

Scorpios: Born with a grudge, they are only qualified at hurting themselves; that is Scorpio’s ultimate curse. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. They are big babies with adult fetishes.

Taurus: Arguably the most annoying sign in the galaxy, a True Taurus has at least been in a fight at Taco Bell once. He or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. The Lebanese girl in Mean Girls was probably a Taurus.

tumblr_lmla0tORgr1qdeox1

Cancer: They often feel persecuted. Like you’re out to get them or something. They are misunderstood; they’re not erratic, back-stabbing creatures, they’re just very weary. Cancereans end up getting screwed by everyone and they like it.

Aquarius: Aquarians didn’t exist in my world until a friend illuminated me that they are earth/human loving hippies. And now I know an Aquarian when I see one, complete with hobo skirts, a farmer’s tan and bad teeth. You know, just like rock stars or the 60’s.

And Finally Aries, Who I know nothing about – But am sure, are just as annoying as Taurus.

Matt-Irwin-Vogue-Russia-Dec-2009-aries

Namaste everybody,

X

Are you brave enough to unleash your Peacock?

4 Oct

Finally, I get to come here, and actually be inspired to write about something that is dear to my heart: FASHION.

If you think Fashion is fickle, and it’s only about starving models + Ana Wintour, then you need to see the fashion doctor (or just gimme a buzz).

Krikor Jabotian’s intricate couture, is a living proof of the ART, craft and design process that go into designing one collection/dress.

Originally Armenian, Krikor was born and bred in Beirut – The Armenian influence is evident in his designs/brand image, with many references to Armenian art and artists, particularly Sergei Parajanov.
With a peacock as his emblem, sensitivity at the tip of his hands, Krikor creates airy designs, ones that float, breathe and freeze in a sudden halt to tell a story.
His father’s Jeweler’s background is behind the embroidery and ornaments implemented in an empiric manner, enough to please any aspiring “Fellini” Greek Goddess.
Expect a lot of nude, blush colors, and fabric; the result is statuesque, theatrical even – The Pieces are far from shy, and impose a lot of personality on the women wearing “nouvelle couture”(new couture), as Jabotian likes to call it. You will not go unnoticed, without having to flash a boob – yes please, ladies.

poudré

A lesson of class from Jordanian Royalty – seen here in Jabotian

demure Beauty Queen

 

In a scene that is more and more fastidious, Krikor has found his niche clientele alongside well traveled Arab women, fashion connoisseurs, talent hunters and BRIDES.

wonderful cake-like wedding dress

a carnation-like movement

 

couture for the little bridesmaids

Check out moah of his work here:
And on my Pinterest fashion board:
*If you would like to request photo credits, kindly email me: gimmemoah@gmail.com
Namaste!
X

Pale is the NEW tan?

18 Jun

Hello there.

The beach season has officially started since early June for us fortunate Mediterraneans.

Da hipster Beach

BUT! We found a way to f*ck it up and make more money: turning beach resorts into party places. Although trance music and booze à gogo aren’t exactly ideal for a day at the beach in my book, they became the standard in Top notch resorts that cost an arm and a leg to step into. Once you pay the hefty fee, you have to be aware of certain guidelines that everyone there follows religiously.

This summer, forget about relaxing at the beach by reading a book and building sand castles; Do it the Cosmopolitan, Beiruti way-Follow my “Commandments to look like a high street male/female hooker at the beach”

1-      Don’t swim. Obviously, you can’t party AND swim at the same time. Those (distasteful) designer shades are not salt water friendly. Oh and girlfriend’s weave is not to be seen by the public in its natural, wet state.

2-       So you will only “lounge” by the pool bar, occupying your hands with a drink and enthusiastic fist-pumping occasionally sitting on the water submerged bar stools! An architectural wonder, I tell you.

3-      If you’re a girl, you will need to wear your highest heels. A good workout for your calves, it’s also every man’s fantasy to see a girl in nothing but stilettos. Your teeny weenie bikini should be as close to nothing as possible.

4-      If you’re a guy, wear your bathing suit short AND tight. Let everyone know the brand. And shave your armpits.

5- No reading books by the pool: Because party rockers don’t do books. And even if you did, the resort staff will ensure you can’t concentrate by turning up the volume at the sight of anything readable. Anyways, your hands will be TOO oily to hold a book, or your children for that matter (they can play with the maid in the kiddies pool in the meantime), or even sunscreen-which takes us to rule number 6.

6- NO SUNSCREEN. Or anything with the letters S.P.F written on it. You will fry your skin with the purest baby oil, making sure you get equally sun Burnt from all sides (360 tan) while the mixture of mineral oil and sweat glistens on your skin and you’re THAT close to a nip slip. Oh fuck it just let it slip (When no one is looking). Walk around all of the resort for maximum coverage.

Aim For Donatella Versace Brown

7- You won’t leave your chaise-longue before you start looking like a Mahogany leather couch. UNLESS you are using tanning beds and SPRAY TANS as a complementary treat for your skin. And our eyes.

In that case, you probably look like this

Walking Sun Bed, Miss Maya Diab

Myriam Klink tan fail. Her Pussy didn’t stain.

tanning disaster mum

You can count on Paris Hilton for fashion disasters

you know you’ve had too much blow when Spray tan gets in your hair.

Now, What if I tell you tan enthusiasts that PALE(don’t cringe) is the NEW tan?

Yes. Just like the old days, when getting a tan indicated that you are from a lower class.

Seriously! Whatever happened to milky skin being beautiful as is? Who set this cancer inflicting habit upon us?

Here’s a small reminder of the grace of having well protected skin.

The Olsens rocking the pale look

another Pale beauty.

Get your sun lotions, hats, sunglasses, umbrellas out and take them for a plunge! (without pulling a Madonna circa 2009).

And Remember, a healthy tan will make you look sun kissed. NOT SUN FUCKED – so stick with foreplay, it’s always safer.

If you want to pull a Brigitte Bardot this weekend, I recommend you go to Lazy B (if you’re in the region); It’s hip, hedonistic and beachy. (no parties).

this is Beach-Chic

Ok I think I made my point here. Beach. Sand. Wet. Swimming. Sharks. Relaxing. Reading. Jogging. Sunscreen. Healthy. are all antonyms of a tan mishap. That said, go on http://www.paleisthenewtan.com/ for moah tan disasters.

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