Archive | June, 2012

Pale is the NEW tan?

18 Jun

Hello there.

The beach season has officially started since early June for us fortunate Mediterraneans.

Da hipster Beach

BUT! We found a way to f*ck it up and make more money: turning beach resorts into party places. Although trance music and booze à gogo aren’t exactly ideal for a day at the beach in my book, they became the standard in Top notch resorts that cost an arm and a leg to step into. Once you pay the hefty fee, you have to be aware of certain guidelines that everyone there follows religiously.

This summer, forget about relaxing at the beach by reading a book and building sand castles; Do it the Cosmopolitan, Beiruti way-Follow my “Commandments to look like a high street male/female hooker at the beach”

1-      Don’t swim. Obviously, you can’t party AND swim at the same time. Those (distasteful) designer shades are not salt water friendly. Oh and girlfriend’s weave is not to be seen by the public in its natural, wet state.

2-       So you will only “lounge” by the pool bar, occupying your hands with a drink and enthusiastic fist-pumping occasionally sitting on the water submerged bar stools! An architectural wonder, I tell you.

3-      If you’re a girl, you will need to wear your highest heels. A good workout for your calves, it’s also every man’s fantasy to see a girl in nothing but stilettos. Your teeny weenie bikini should be as close to nothing as possible.

4-      If you’re a guy, wear your bathing suit short AND tight. Let everyone know the brand. And shave your armpits.

5- No reading books by the pool: Because party rockers don’t do books. And even if you did, the resort staff will ensure you can’t concentrate by turning up the volume at the sight of anything readable. Anyways, your hands will be TOO oily to hold a book, or your children for that matter (they can play with the maid in the kiddies pool in the meantime), or even sunscreen-which takes us to rule number 6.

6- NO SUNSCREEN. Or anything with the letters S.P.F written on it. You will fry your skin with the purest baby oil, making sure you get equally sun Burnt from all sides (360 tan) while the mixture of mineral oil and sweat glistens on your skin and you’re THAT close to a nip slip. Oh fuck it just let it slip (When no one is looking). Walk around all of the resort for maximum coverage.

Aim For Donatella Versace Brown

7- You won’t leave your chaise-longue before you start looking like a Mahogany leather couch. UNLESS you are using tanning beds and SPRAY TANS as a complementary treat for your skin. And our eyes.

In that case, you probably look like this

Walking Sun Bed, Miss Maya Diab

Myriam Klink tan fail. Her Pussy didn’t stain.

tanning disaster mum

You can count on Paris Hilton for fashion disasters

you know you’ve had too much blow when Spray tan gets in your hair.

Now, What if I tell you tan enthusiasts that PALE(don’t cringe) is the NEW tan?

Yes. Just like the old days, when getting a tan indicated that you are from a lower class.

Seriously! Whatever happened to milky skin being beautiful as is? Who set this cancer inflicting habit upon us?

Here’s a small reminder of the grace of having well protected skin.

The Olsens rocking the pale look

another Pale beauty.

Get your sun lotions, hats, sunglasses, umbrellas out and take them for a plunge! (without pulling a Madonna circa 2009).

And Remember, a healthy tan will make you look sun kissed. NOT SUN FUCKED – so stick with foreplay, it’s always safer.

If you want to pull a Brigitte Bardot this weekend, I recommend you go to Lazy B (if you’re in the region); It’s hip, hedonistic and beachy. (no parties).

this is Beach-Chic

Ok I think I made my point here. Beach. Sand. Wet. Swimming. Sharks. Relaxing. Reading. Jogging. Sunscreen. Healthy. are all antonyms of a tan mishap. That said, go on http://www.paleisthenewtan.com/ for moah tan disasters.

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